Yesterday was one of those days where nothing went according to plan. But the again, what is the plan? I was exhausted at work and had a hard time focusing, and the day dragged on so slow. I couldn’t wait to get to ballet class, and get moving after sitting at my desk most of the day. I’ve been really not picking at myself lately over my weight, poor turnout and my arabesque that is seemingly falling lower than it used to, but I ordered some new dance wear so I thought that would help. Well it turns out it didn’t! I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but lumps and rolls. I felt like the Michelline Man in a leotard. Ugh. Class started out on the wrong foot (literally) because I got a spot at the barre where I’d have to start the combo facing the back wall with no mirror and no way of following someone if I can’t remember the combination (which I usually can’t) so I was instantly panicked. It just felt “off”. I’ve never started a class in this direction so I felt like I had 2 left feet all during barre and I kept ending up on the wrong foot.
Center didn’t go much better. My arabesque was still low, wobbly and looked strained. I couldn’t balance to save my life. Petite allegro was a horror show as usual, and feelings of doubt were rushing through my head. Why can’t I learn? Do I have a learning disability? Am I slow, or even worse just plain stupid? Stop! Get out of my head and dance!!!! Don’t be a self fulfilling prophecy!! Do your best with what you have now! Don’t worry about being the heaviest in class or the lowest arabesque. You can improve that and better it with hard work. Turns across the floor went well, on the right side at least, but grand allegro was also a hot mess. It’s not that I can’t do the steps, it’s just I pick them up slow, and need things broken down at turtle pace. If that’s done and I can try it a few times I’m usually ok. The thing is it’s hard to find a class like this because the beginner classes are too slow for me and don’t incorporate much center and the intermediate/ advance classes are more for people that have been dancing a long time. With all the breaks I’ve had to take due to not being able to afford class, I haven’t been doing this anywhere near as long as it seems. I think the classes I am in now are good because there is something to strive for. But that’s how I have to think of it. Not as a “I’m not good enough because my leg doesn’t go that high” but as “that’s what I’ll be able to do this time next year”. Even if I get my left and right confused, and I can’t do 3 pirouettes that’s okay, because ballet is a journey. It’s hard. Hard work And hard dedication. I won’t give up because I feel like I don’t fit in. I will strive for that day when I will effortlessly glide across the floor in time with my classmates without feeling like I’m just in the way. I will work at it every day and continue to eat healthy and fuel my body for dance instead of skipping meals to feel thin. Doubt be gone! I can do this!