New Shoes and Ballet Blues

I’ve been off the radar for a while because I haven’t had anything happy or positive to write about over here. I haven’t been able to take classes because of loosing my job, I feel insecure and far from confident in my dancing, and haven’t made any progress. I’ve been doing a lot of running and going back to aerial (www.polerinaaerialdance.com for that blog!) and otherwise doing some foot strength exercises. I started doing barre again at home, and simple pointe work because I have an idea for an aerial routine for the spring competition season, and just miss dancing in general.

I think as dancers we all struggle with the search for the perfect shoe! It’s even worse for us big footed dancers because it seems no one has our size in stock so trying on is the devil! I’ve had to purchase numerous pairs of shoes I didn’t really like because of just lack of anything else. When I was living in Boston I fell in love with the Suffolk Stellar (light) and haven’t been able to find them anywhere since. I’m afraid to order them online that they won’t be the same but I’m probably going to have to get over that! I have been eating great things about the Bloch Eurostretch so today I was on a mission to give them a go thinking they would be easier to find, and well I succeeded! First off, I loved how they felt, they were soft and stretchy and molded to my foot perfect. The inside was cushy and no big toe pain on pointe! And omg the box is PRETTY! The only thing I didn’t like was the box didn’t feel good for balancing and that was the only reason I didn’t get them. Maybe I’ll give them a go and see what happens next time (while I have backups that aren’t dead!) and see if I’m able to balance like in my other shoes. 

On a whim I asked if they had the Stellars and they did, and in my size! They weren’t the light shank but the standard, and they felt a little bit hard but I think once they’re broken in maybe they will last a little longer. So I ended up with another pair of my old favorites and a super cute H tutu O water bottle.

So what feels like starting from scratch (I looked good at the store and not like an idiot or amateur at least haha) and getting strong agin so when I can return to classes I’ll be ready and able to keep up!

I’ll just be Right Here at MY Barre!

Alicia

It’s Been a While…

Over the last few months a lot has happened causing change in my life, but also leaving me exhausted and unsure. I was dancing three times a week a few months ago. Progress was coming, though I was still behind most of my class and struggling with weight, but I looked forward to going to the studio after work and working hard. Then I got laid off. I was a contracted graphic designer with a one year contract that was cut in half. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was instant anxiety. Not only did it mean I had to give up my ballet classes, but how was I supposed to pay for well….life. I have a crushing amount of student debt racked up on credit cards that I had started to pay off and was actually making good progress on with my job. I was hoping that my position would go permanent, that someone would actually want me, that I’d finally be good enough to be a part of a team that meant something, and again I was wrong. I started to think about my life as a series of failures strung together with glimmers of hope in between that always become extinguished by failing. I know that negative thinking is not going to solve anything, but when nothing good or successful ever happens to you no matter how hard you work, how else are you supposed to think? Right know I feel broken, useless, untalented and like I will never be able to support myself because I’m only good enough to be a greeter at Wall Mart or something. I’ve been on a few great interviews since, one I even had 3 for, but it always ends the same: “We want to thank you for your time and interest in this position. At this time we have narrowed down our selected candidates to those that more closely fit our culture, and the experience and skills we were searching for. I am sorry to say we will not be progressing further with you as a candidate for this role.” Now what? I was sure I had it! Even though it would be a three month trial period (that I was sure I’d be fired from after) it gave me hope that I could finally fit somewhere and be valued. I’ve paid my dues, I’ve worked for years for free which cost me more credit card debt and a ton of mils on my car, I just crave that moment of success where someone sees me as talented enough to be paid a livable wage, have a secure job, and start my life. It just doesn’t seem like it will happen for me.

On a positive note, it does give me plenty of time to work on my photography business and hopefully be able to learn marketing and get noticed in that field, which is where my passion really lies besides dance. I’ve also had time to go to the gym daily, practice yoga, and even was available to sub some aerial classes (another job I wasn’t talented enough to keep and make a career out of, and that crushed my soul when I was replaced). And since I’m competing in pole fitness again I’ve been setting time aside to practice at home daily and get to the closest studio a few times a week to work on endurance and choreography.

Ballet got pushed to the side for a few months because I resented it for not being able to do it. I stopped working on my feet, I stopped doing arabesques at my kitchen counter, and my pointe shoes practically had cobwebs on them. When I went to the studio yesterday to work on my pole routine, I grabbed my dance bag and my camera thinking maybe I would be inspired. And I was right. After practicing pole for a couple hours I definitely needed a break. The lighting is always beautiful here, so I dug in my dance bag and found a leo, tutu, pointe shoes, and made a messy bun atop my head. Then a song came on, I danced for the first time in months (ok so wearing a tutu makes everything better anyway), and felt magnificent. This is what I love. This is what I crave. Maybe this is where I belong. I might need to do a re-shoot this week, since when I changed positions I forgot to take the focus lock off and so my depth of field is off  (oops!), but that just gives me another reason to go back. To create. To fly.

Last night I started re-watching Dance Academy, which opens with Tara, a simple farm girl who dreams of being a ballerina, wanting to fly. She says:

“I always knew in another life I could fly. That’s why in this life I dance”

Fly!

Alicia-1