Chasing Speed | Adult Ballerina Blog

Anything quick in ballet is a nemesis for me, which is unfortunate because adagio can only last for so long! When talking to my teacher after class Sunday, she said that I know the steps and can do them, but when it comes my turn to go across the floor I panic and hold back. I though it was a mix of lack of remembering steps/ choreography, but she said that’s definitely not the case and I know the steps but hold myself back. When marking through a combo slower (with time to think!) I am fine, and the actual steps work. But when it’s time to go, something inside me forgets everything and goes blank! Granted the combo was a little tricky with some mind game direction changes, but the funny thing is that 2 days later now I remember the whole thing! Like why couldn’t I in class?!

In Monday’s class we broke down the faster combos I usually struggle with, and besides my pathetic assembles (they aren’t assembled in any way shape or form!) I actually got through it and remembered the combo IN class. I guess practice makes better, so those two combos will be going across my living room all week!

I also worked in my new Bloch pointe shoes after class with another student that is also a teacher and was a professional dancer. Since our pointe class from last year is no more, I love getting corrections and tips on how to better utilize my shoes and muscles. We broke them in some more because the shank is hard, and I mean HARD! The paper that comes with the shoes says do not bend it and to just take class and it will mold, but I was struggling with balance getting over the box and had to move them along!

I do really like the shoes! They are Bloch Synthesis, a brand new model in the stretch line that aren’t even available online or at most retailers yet. I got them on my NYC trip and am always excited to try new models! They are comfortable and I love the way they look, and are a little more streamlined than my Eurostretch shoes.

I want to do a side by side of my feet in all the shoes I like as a comparison on what looks better. Since there are several shoes I have liked the feeling of, next would be to see what actually looks the best! But that’s a post for another day!

Happy Dancing!



Ballet in 2018 | Goals | Pushing the limits

Starting 2018 my friend and I went up to Cambridge for a open house at the José Mato Ballet Theater. I haven’t danced in 3 weeks due to holiday and my car breaking down and needing to buy a new one. Deciding to take this class at the highest level offered was terrifying since I have a hard time with confidence taking anything but beginner class.

But this year I’m going to push myself. There’s no way I’ll ever get better and understand the steps that confuse me if I don’t do them repeatedly. In he higher level classes I feel vulnerable, scared, like instead of flying, I’m just flailing. There are a lot of steps I don’t know, and that scares me, but if I don’t ever try it, it will be impossible to ever learn it.

So I will keep going to classes, both in and out of my comfort zone. Keep pushing, learning and practicing. Because one day it will pay off and I will fly.

Pointe Shoe Chronicals | Adult Ballet Blog

To a dancer, the tools of the trade are especially focused on the feet and legs. Finding the perfect fitting shoe can be an endless struggle! I’ve had a hard time finding flat shoes that fit well and don’t cause a bump under the ball of the foot, and just when I think I’ve found the perfect pointe shoe, my feet seem to change and my shoe stops working for me. I’ve literally spend HOURS in the dance stores trying on shoe after shoe from every name out there. Having larger feet also doesn’t help because many shoes aren’t stocked in my size. So far my favorites have been Suffolk Solo and Stellar, Gaynor Minden, Bloch Balance European Strong and Bloch Eurostretch, which I just stared wearing. The Balance European was my go to shoe for years, but my last pair just didn’t seem supportive anymore in the regular shank, the strong shank seems to be doing ok. I went to the dance store a while back in hopes of trying the Bloch Eurostretch, and after trying them I ended up buying a Grishko Miracle, which ended up not working for my wide feet and desire for a large platform. As soon as my feet would swell, they would become obviously too small and narrow. Otherwise they were extremely comefortable and flat so I was sad that they couldn’t work for me. I’ve been dancing in a mix of a Suffolk Stellar and Bloch Balance euro for the past few years. My latest pair of the Bloch seemed so unsupportive by the 3rd class wearing them, and I felt they were allowing me to sickle and have to work extra hard not to. The strong shank worked much better so if I buy them again, strong will be the way to go! 

Thinking of how comefortable the Bloch Eurostretch was (that I didn’t buy 🙄) I ordered them online since our local stores lot their contract with Bloch and don’t carry them anymore, and sewed them last week. At first try I had a hard time getting over the box and felt held back on them, but determined to break them in and give it a go I sewed them and did some basic barre at home. After a few of these sessions (the instructions say just do barre to break them in, no de-shanking or beating them up) I think I am hooked. They felt to so good I even wore them to class tonight, and I’m always scared to wear a new shoe to class, because if it doesn’t work out there’s people to watch me fail. I’m the only person on pointe in my class so I always feel a little pressure to not be the one to make an ass of themselves! Since starting class on pointe again regularly, I feel a lot of strength (and maybe a little confidence) returning! Now if only I could get those one foot relevés up a little better I would be happy!

Anyway, right now I feel these could be my current shoe. I still have my Stellars in my bag, but I love the support and stretch of these Bloch Eurostretch! What are your favorite pointe shoes?



Here are a few photos from class tonight!

Back to the Barre! | Adult Ballerina Blog

Well I finally have some good news, I got a job! Back to my previous company but in another department and still doing design, and the same pay rate so I can afford ballet again!!!! I can’t wait to be back!

At the same time of feeling success, I can’t help but feeling sad. I’ve wanted my job back for so long, mainly because it’s semi secure income and a good pay rate, plus I’m getting the coveted industry experience needed for even better jobs. The first few days I was excited and very happy, but today I feel sad. Having to go back to waking up early, spending hours commuting with angry rush hour drivers, and sitting at a desk all day instead of working out, making art and trying to figure out how to gain clients in my photography business. I guess the last one is the worst, I feel like I’ve failed in getting by business off the ground while I had time off. With all the time off I should be a marketing wizard and be getting inquiries daily and booking clients! But I’m not and I don’t understand why. I know it’s not my quality of work, but getting in front of people who are looking for photography services. I feel like I failed myself and my true calling to go back to slaving to “the man” that is corporate business that is only another temp contract.

On the plus side, I have my ballet schedule all laid out and am about to go to some barre and pointe strength exercises so I don’t go back to class weak and terrible! It will be so good to go back to the studio again, even if I do make a fool of myself forgetting combos most of the time, maybe some day I’ll fit in!

It’s Been a While…

Over the last few months a lot has happened causing change in my life, but also leaving me exhausted and unsure. I was dancing three times a week a few months ago. Progress was coming, though I was still behind most of my class and struggling with weight, but I looked forward to going to the studio after work and working hard. Then I got laid off. I was a contracted graphic designer with a one year contract that was cut in half. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was instant anxiety. Not only did it mean I had to give up my ballet classes, but how was I supposed to pay for well….life. I have a crushing amount of student debt racked up on credit cards that I had started to pay off and was actually making good progress on with my job. I was hoping that my position would go permanent, that someone would actually want me, that I’d finally be good enough to be a part of a team that meant something, and again I was wrong. I started to think about my life as a series of failures strung together with glimmers of hope in between that always become extinguished by failing. I know that negative thinking is not going to solve anything, but when nothing good or successful ever happens to you no matter how hard you work, how else are you supposed to think? Right know I feel broken, useless, untalented and like I will never be able to support myself because I’m only good enough to be a greeter at Wall Mart or something. I’ve been on a few great interviews since, one I even had 3 for, but it always ends the same: “We want to thank you for your time and interest in this position. At this time we have narrowed down our selected candidates to those that more closely fit our culture, and the experience and skills we were searching for. I am sorry to say we will not be progressing further with you as a candidate for this role.” Now what? I was sure I had it! Even though it would be a three month trial period (that I was sure I’d be fired from after) it gave me hope that I could finally fit somewhere and be valued. I’ve paid my dues, I’ve worked for years for free which cost me more credit card debt and a ton of mils on my car, I just crave that moment of success where someone sees me as talented enough to be paid a livable wage, have a secure job, and start my life. It just doesn’t seem like it will happen for me.

On a positive note, it does give me plenty of time to work on my photography business and hopefully be able to learn marketing and get noticed in that field, which is where my passion really lies besides dance. I’ve also had time to go to the gym daily, practice yoga, and even was available to sub some aerial classes (another job I wasn’t talented enough to keep and make a career out of, and that crushed my soul when I was replaced). And since I’m competing in pole fitness again I’ve been setting time aside to practice at home daily and get to the closest studio a few times a week to work on endurance and choreography.

Ballet got pushed to the side for a few months because I resented it for not being able to do it. I stopped working on my feet, I stopped doing arabesques at my kitchen counter, and my pointe shoes practically had cobwebs on them. When I went to the studio yesterday to work on my pole routine, I grabbed my dance bag and my camera thinking maybe I would be inspired. And I was right. After practicing pole for a couple hours I definitely needed a break. The lighting is always beautiful here, so I dug in my dance bag and found a leo, tutu, pointe shoes, and made a messy bun atop my head. Then a song came on, I danced for the first time in months (ok so wearing a tutu makes everything better anyway), and felt magnificent. This is what I love. This is what I crave. Maybe this is where I belong. I might need to do a re-shoot this week, since when I changed positions I forgot to take the focus lock off and so my depth of field is off  (oops!), but that just gives me another reason to go back. To create. To fly.

Last night I started re-watching Dance Academy, which opens with Tara, a simple farm girl who dreams of being a ballerina, wanting to fly. She says:

“I always knew in another life I could fly. That’s why in this life I dance”