Starting 2018 my friend and I went up to Cambridge for a open house at the José Mato Ballet Theater. I haven’t danced in 3 weeks due to holiday and my car breaking down and needing to buy a new one. Deciding to take this class at the highest level offered was terrifying since I have a hard time with confidence taking anything but beginner class.
But this year I’m going to push myself. There’s no way I’ll ever get better and understand the steps that confuse me if I don’t do them repeatedly. In he higher level classes I feel vulnerable, scared, like instead of flying, I’m just flailing. There are a lot of steps I don’t know, and that scares me, but if I don’t ever try it, it will be impossible to ever learn it.
So I will keep going to classes, both in and out of my comfort zone. Keep pushing, learning and practicing. Because one day it will pay off and I will fly.
My office was closed today in observance of the Veterans Day holiday (thank you Vets!) so there was a rare chance to attend class at 9am and it was taken advantage of! Since it was an advance class (which screams avoid! To me) nerves almost convinced me to not go, I’m that dancer that’s been in beginner/intermediate class for ages because of my issues with remembering combos and psyching myself out.
Arriving early and grabbing a coffe at the adorable French café next door, finding a place at the barre (in the back corner) and beginning class with a nice window view was a great start to the morning! The flow of class was enjoyable with emphasis on really using the upper body to dance and express movement. Adage was beautiful and manageable on my dim memory (even remembering it enough to write it down after) and for the first time in my memory of dance, feelings of grace and that my dancing wasn’t akward and floppy filled me instead of terror and nerves. I’m hoping this becomes a permanent change because it felt good!
Sadly, my current work situation requires 9-4 on Fridays and unlesss I’m a wizard and can start negotiating some remote work, it will be rare that this class can be attended (*cough* I’m sick)! But today was wonderful and productive!
P.S. I’ve had to write the last 2 blogs without using I️ because Apple is special and glitches! I️ am so annoyed!
Bad things I say about myself is the topic of the day in a dance forum I belong to. Well this is a good one for me because I’ve been self-doubting and talking bad about myself for years. Mostly because when I used to be confident, people who didn’t know me judged me on how I looked and called me a conceited stuck up bitch. Once they actually got to talking to me they’d tell me how nice I was and how everyone says I’m stuck up because of how I look. (Believe me I don’t think I look that great but I would do my hair and makeup and felt pretty, I guess thats being conceited). So I started talking down on myself before other people had the chance too because it hurt me so much. In college once we had a show where we had to do 5 pieces, and I did a series of self portraits in photography of me doing ballet in random outdoor places. One girl in my class tore me apart and said I was the most conceited person she ever met because the whole thing was a “shrine to me” and that I “must think I’m so great” when most of them you couldn’t even see my face, I didn’t have any models, and I was so new to photography I really didn’t know what I was doing. I remember going to Starbucks after and crying to the barista. I was bullied in college a few years later again, by a girl who was threatened by me and tried to get me kicked out. (What the heck is wrong with people!!!??) After that whenever I would present work or meet people I would instantly bash myself before they could, and sadly it worked. I haven’t been called conceited or stuck up or a bitch since I started putting myself down. I’m trying to break the habit now, because I’m trying to love myself and not care what people do or say about me. It’s their choice to be judgmental instead of getting to know someone, and if that’s how they want to be then its their issues with themselves and shouldn’t be mine. I think really immersing myself in yoga has helped me a lot with this, and about looking within myself and seeing my worth regardless to other peoples opinions. I started calling myself fat, useless, an awful amateur photographer, I suck at art, I suck at dance, I suck at life, and everything in between. It was so much easier to devalue myself before someone else could make me feel useless. I felt sad and depressed all the time. I threw out multiple pieces of art because I thought if I showed anyone they would just say it was terrible and I couldn’t take any more negativity. If I felt it already, it couldn’t get worse right? I’ve been constantly bullied and put down by people everywhere I go, and at every stage of my life. I even had an older woman say some rude judgmental stuff to me here at work last week which upset me. I’m not going to let their problems be my problems though. I see the beauty in everyone, and I hope someday the people that hurt other people to make themselves feel good can learn to see that too.
Starting a blog and vlog were really difficult for me because of how I’ve been judged before. I thought, if I start this the comments are going to come again “oh look a blog all about you you you you conceited bitch”. That fear stopped me from writing and photographing for years. I just recently started creating self portraits through photography as artistic expressions of my fears, hopes and dreams inspired by my favorite self portrait photographer, Brooke Shaden. I took her workshop back in November, and she is such a beautiful and positive soul!
I’m going to keep creating, regardless of judgmental people. If they want to leave mean comments, thats marks on their character, not mine. My soul is going to be free to create and live the life I want, not trying to hide in the shadows because of other people and their insecurities. Why shouldn’t you be proud of the amazing things you can do?!! I find uplifting people so much better than tearing them down to get ahead or because someone is different. Follow your passion, and don’t let anyone stop you!
If you want to see my fine art photography work, visit https://www.facebook.com/AliciaHeaneyPhotography/
So this is something I’ve been thinking about doing for a while. I’ve been inspired by fellow bloggers and vloggers (even though they are a lot more interesting than me) and I guess I have interesting things to do or talk about, but I feel kind of silly. Here’s the girl who was bullied in high school, college and everywhere in between, who the heck wants to watch and listen to me??? My boyfriends probably going to laugh at me and my moms probably going to think I have a few more screws loose in my head, but honestly, filming was a lot of fun! I’ve never seen myself talk on camera and it came pretty naturally. I’m making a lot of lifestyle changes with healthy eating, more yoga and meditation, ballet multiple times a week, cooking, and working in the real world about to be on my own. So some people might laugh at me, and I’m sure there will be a few trolls trying to bring down my positive vibes (seriously, get a life) but I feel like a fresh start, and I might as well join the social media Vlog community along with it. Maybe no one will watch, listen or care. But if I can be inspired by others, who are just regular people like me, then I hope I can inspire one person too. Maybe I’m not inspiring, I’ve struggled with self image for years now because I used to be confident and would be called a snobby stuck up bitch by people who didn’t even know me. Then they would start talking to me and be like “wow you’re actually really nice, I thought you were a bitch because of how you look” (ummmmm….what!? I didn’t know bitch had a look!?). So I always thought I’d put myself down before everyone else had the chance to. Well I’m not going to do that anymore, because people are going to be mean and judge and make you feel bad regardless of how you view yourself. We have to have to power and belief in ourselves to ignore them and continue to be happy and confident! So here we go!
Vlog # 1:
Also, here are some of my yummy healthy eats from this week!
Take beautiful photos,
Live a beautiful life ❤️